Press 1 for English, 2 to Lose Your Sanity

It was a simple task: mail a gift for a friend. One question: can I reuse an old diaper box? I have been saving them from the landfill for just such an occasion, but I wanted to be sure I had a USPS sanctioned vessel in order to avoid having it returned to me. (Which leads me to ask, if they can mail it back to me, why can't they just send it where it was supposed to go instead?) First, I tried to call my local post office using Google 411 (it is free! 1800-466-4411). For some reason, the post offices near me were not listed, and no one answered the number for the one I did find. I went to the USPS website, certain that this issue would make it into the FAQ (frequently asked questions). If it was in there, I couldn't find it. But I did find an 800 number for the USPS. I feel like this is a good time to insert the fact that my children were awake. Nap time had just ended, and we were getting ready to go out the door to run errands. They were playing raucously in the living room, as children so often do. Resuming the story, I dialed the toll free number and was not surprised to hear an automated system on the other end of the line. Naturally, none of the prompts applied to what I needed, but the computer kept picking up little squeals from my children, and directing me to its interpretation of what I had said. In the height of my frustration, I had Catelynn on the potty as I yelled into the phone "Representative! I just want to talk to a PERSON!" Cate was crying and repeatedly saying "Mommy!" with great concern in her voice, despite my not-so-gentle sshhh-ing. And the computer continued to repeat, "I'm sorry, I did not understand your response." A moment short of my head exploding, I sequestered myself in my silent room, FINALLY got to a live person, and found out that boxes with logos are not allowed unless they are all covered. The representative suggested turning the box inside out, which I thought was a genius idea and thanked her immensely. I unpacked my package, tore apart the box and taped it back together with the brown inside showing. All the while, I imagined the entire package spontaneously coming apart at the seams, and weighing the cost of the roll of tape I had just used, I wondered why I had not just purchased a box!